How to do Your Make-Up Like a Chola

For all you die hard Pistolita fans out there, why not join us and dress like a Chola for our next game. Here is a how to on how to do your make-up like a Chola.

1. Start with the foundation. Because a steady one has never existed in her life, this part is easy. Apply a base ready to handle any bumps in the road that may occur in the future, such as: welts from slaps in the face in the form of stereotyping before she even has a chance to grow up. A good foundation can conceal any hardships you’re bound to endure in the future.

2. Apply the blush. Brush it on in a manner maximizing the sharpness of the cheekbones highlighting the refinement of the face: exotic, brilliant, like ancestral Mayan carvings. Avoid using too much, as this will give people the wrong impression: Clown. Slut.

3. Use the pencil to shape your eyebrows, thin and arched. This will create an exaggerated look of bewilderment which may come in handy should you ever decide to visit the most upscale department store in the mall. You can actually look the part rather than just play dumb, when the saleswomen follow you around as if you stole some sparkly earrings say, and shoved them into your purse (also presumed stolen). The scarce hairs (mostly drawn on) will also serve as a barrier to people looking you in the eyes, easing any guilt you may have for sins committed that would cause your mother eternal grief if she knew about.

4. Put on the eyeshadow base before the eyeshadow so the shadow will set better. Use a shimmery silver to compliment the golden crucifix hiding deep in the cleavage peering out from the fitted white tank top. Then blend in the eyeshadow on your crease to create depth. Otherwise you’ll be seen as shallow, incapable of accomplishing anything meaningful in life (Having children while being a teenager doesn’t count as an accomplishment.).

5. Guide the eyeliner across the fringes of the upper lid slowly advancing all the way around the eye. Repeat the process. The thicker the better. Don’t neglect the corners—where the liner should harshly extend pointing away from the pupils as if accusing the ears of betraying the rest of the face.

6. Curl the lashes. Perfecting the art of eye-batting is vital because you’ll need to use your sexuality like a lasso, roping potential suitors (most likely cholos) who will show everyone how much they love you by giving you an assortment of hickies on your neck like a raunchy connect the dots, and in turn get your name tatted in cursive on his neck forever displaying the bond you share. Because why waste money on a ring of any sort when nothing says I love you Heina more than a neck tattoo.

7. The mascara should coat the lashes like an oversized Pendleton. Drape it on as if protecting the eyes from any sort of illumination that forces the chola to examine her current lifestyle. She doesn’t need to be reminded being a mother is more than making sure Jr. has the freshest baby shoes. That dropping out of high school maybe wasn’t the best move. Or that picking and choosing your battles will give you and your loved ones a longer life span. Because in this mi vida loca world of barrios and bandanas, it’s all about respect, and every day is a battle.

8. Finally, trace the lips with lip liner. Lipstick isn’t needed. It would only rub off from your kiss my ass FTW attitude. But the liner will still be there. The last trace of any hope you’ll have at making the proverbial something, out of yourself.

Jessy Jynx